SOCIAL PAIN AND PHYSICAL PAIN: ARE THEY CONNECTED?
Why Feeling Alone Can Make Our Pain Worse...and What Helps to Make it Better
If you live with persistent pain, you may have noticed something a bit confusing:
Some days your pain feels worse, even when nothing has changed.
I often refer to this as “The Beyonce”. Why? Because you just woke up like this.
You didn’t lift more. You didn’t fall. Your muscles, joints, tendons, and nerves are all probably exactly how they were the day before.
But perhaps we are searching for the wrong things. Instead, maybe you felt dismissed by someone. Maybe your plans got canceled last minute. Maybe you felt lonely, stressed, or misunderstood.
That’s not a coincidence.
Pain isn’t just physical — it’s human.
For a long time, pain was treated like a mechanical problem: Something hurts → fix the body part. (Spoiler alert: It still is!)
But modern science offers a much different story.
Your brain processes physical pain (like a sore back or aching knee) and social pain (like rejection, loneliness, grief, or conflict) in overlapping ways. So…
👉 Feeling disconnected or unsupported can amplify physical pain.
👉 Feeling safe, supported, and understood can calm it down.
This doesn’t mean your pain is “in your head.” It means your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do – protect you.
Why Does Social Stress Increase Pain?
We evolved to survive in groups. Being connected meant safety, being isolated meant danger.
So when we experience:
Loneliness
Ongoing conflict
Feeling misunderstood
Loss or grief
A sense that others don’t “get” your pain
Our nervous system can, and usually does, interpret that as threat. When our nervous system feels threatened, it becomes more sensitive.
That sensitivity can show up as:
Higher pain intensity
Pain spreading to new areas
More fear around movement
Difficulty sleeping
Feeling overwhelmed or stuck
All this means is that your system is doing its job — just a little too well.
The Good News: Connection = Pain Relief
What are two things that can help us adapt better to these situations?
1. Maintain Meaningful Social Connections
Not just “being around people,” but feeling:
- Seen
- Understood
- Valued
- Supported in ways that still allow independence
2. Reframe Emotions as Positive!
Joy, laughter, gratitude, purpose – while they don’t “erase” pain, but they:
- Reduce pain sensitivity
- Improve coping
- Help you stay engaged in life
Positive emotions don’t require pain to disappear first – read that again!
You don’t need to “wait until you’re better” to live the life you want.
Practical Ways to Use This in Your Life Today
Here are simple steps that don’t require perfection:
🔷 1. Name the Connection
Ask yourself:
“Do my symptoms flare during stressful or isolating times?”
“What’s been happening socially or emotionally this week?”
Awareness alone can reduce fear!
🔷 2. Stay Connected — Even in Small Ways
It can be:
A short walk with someone you trust
A text exchange that makes you smile
Sitting with others, even quietly
Being honest instead of pretending you’re “fine”
Consistency matters more than intensity!
🔷 3. Reintroduce Joy
Try:
One enjoyable activity per day (even for 5 minutes)
Something that feels meaningful, not just distracting
Letting pleasure coexist with pain, instead of waiting for pain to leave
A Final Thought
Your relationships, emotions, experiences, and sense of belonging all matter. Healing doesn’t always mean eliminating pain. Sometimes it means expanding life again, even with pain present.
You don’t have to do that alone!